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Who Are the Speakers of the CPAC Convention in Dallas?

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The next gathering of the Conservative Political Action Committee (CPAC) is happening in Dallas this weekend, and we’ve yet to learn what we did to deserve such an honor. Whatever the reason, it’s happening and we’ll once again be the epicenter of conservative politics — and just after we got over the emotional toil produce by the QAnon gathering at the Omni last month.

Note to whichever deity, alien intelligence or whoever it is Big D has so obviously pissed off: We’re really sorry for whatever we did. Please stop sending these guys our way.

The CPAC convention seems unlikely to match the level of weirdness brought by the earlier QAnon party. It’s tough, after all, to be crazier than those who think the world is secretly ruled by a Washington and Hollywood cabal of pedophiles who also eat their victims to extend their own lives. But you never know. If the prior words of some of the speakers lined up for the CPAC convention are any guide, QAnon-level weirdness might pay us a visit this week. Just take a look at some of the scheduled speakers:

1. Texas Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick
Patrick made his name as a right-wing radio guy at Houston’s KSEV, a station he still owns. He served two terms in the Texas Senate before winning his seat as the state’s lieutenant governor. During an interview with Fox News’ Tucker Carlson, Patrick, a grandpa himself, suggested that our grandparents would be willing to risk death from the coronavirus so younger people could go back to work and make a Taco Bell run without a mask. There’s only one reply to that: Talk’s cheap, Gramps. Prove it.

2. Nigel Farage
Britain’s loss is our … well … not gain exactly. Something else. The architect of Brexit has become a right-wing figurehead in America after he bolted from his 20-year campaign to undo his country’s membership in the European Union. He’s one of the founding members of the right-wing, populist UK Independence Party in 1993 that got its Brexit in 2016 following Farage’s announcement that he would step down from his UKIP seat. Farage has used not-so-subtle language in tweets like this one: “EXCLUSIVE FOOTAGE OF BEACH LANDING BY MIGRANTS”  in a “shocking invasion” of England.

It was eight people.

Laughable? Oh, you may think so, Mr. or Ms. Sheeple, but consider this: It doesn’t take eight unwelcome immigrants to muck up a country. Sometimes one is enough. And stick with us for a deep dive here: Farage’s words make the invasion sound like D-Day in Normandy, depicted in the film Saving Private Ryan, which starred Tom Hanks, who (cue ominous music) is a QAnon-certified member of the secret cabal running the world! He gnaws on pre-adolescent femurs! ALLEGEDLY!

Wheels within wheels, people. Maybe ol’ Nige was sending a coded message to the brave heroes of QAnon.

3. U.S. Rep. Madison Cawthorn
This U.S. representative of North Carolina’s 11th District became the youngest member of the modern Congress and seems to have a habit of getting caught in falsehoods, missteps and mischaracterizations. But we repeat ourselves. We already said he’s in Congress.

During his short term, he misattributed the quote “facts are stubborn things” to Thomas Jefferson. It was John Adams.

He said his “favorite founder,” President James Madison, signed the Declaration of Independence. Nope. Madison signed the Constitution, the much longer document that Cawthorn swore to “support and defend … against all enemies, foreign and domestic” when he joined Congress. (In fairness, he didn’t promise to read the Constitution.)

He also told a news outlet that Congress enacted the Emancipation Proclamation. BZZZT! Wrong again, Sunshine. It was a presidential proclamation made by the guy whose face is on the penny and $5 bill, or as you know him, Daniel Day-Lewis.

These comments are from a young man who calls himself “a lover of history” and said those who underestimate young people “don’t know American history.”

Still, we feel for him. We were young and stupid once, too, before we got old, so let’s help him out. Congressman, check out the historical documentary 1776 to learn how to tell Jefferson from Adams. Jefferson was tall and coached a basketball team in The White Shadow. Adams was shorter and was the voice of KITT the talking car in Knight Rider. Oh, and all that singing? Historically accurate down to the last note. Trust us on that. Maybe work it into your CPAC speech.

4. Stephen Miller
What’s that chill? How weird. We typed Stephen Miller’s name and … Hey! There it is again. The temperature just dropped 20 degrees! Swear it!

Let’s just move on quickly to highlights of M Dude’s career. (We’re afraid to type his name again, as that would make three times, and you know what happens then.)

M****** is one of the … the … well, let’s call them masterminds behind some of former President Donald Trump’s most controversial immigration policies. He started his conservative career while he was still in Santa Monica High School in the student body’s political clubs. Video has surfaced of him giving a speech decrying school policies requiring students to pick up their own trash “when we have plenty of janitors who are paid to do it for us.”

Where do California high school janitors often come from, you ask? Don’t ask, although that might explain his later animosity to immigrants. Bastards tried to make him pick up his own Kit Kat wrapper. Deport ’em!

Cali’s answer to Marie Antoinette went on to have a career on radio and television. His political path started in the offices of U.S. representatives such as Michelle Bachmann of Minnesota, former Tea Party darling and presidential hopeful whose candidacy failed when her Stepford Wife smile caused children at Iowa campaign stops to wail in terror.

The Stevester became one of the more visible members of the Trump administration on Sunday morning chat shows, known for both his combative attitude and his campaign to have obsequious ass-kissing made an Olympic sport. One of the more memorable interview moments happened on CNN’s State of the Union with Jake Tapper as Mr. M kept trying to insert talking points about his boss into the discussion, regardless of the questions he received.

5. Rick Perry
One of our former governor’s most infamous moments came during his 2011 presidential run, when he couldn’t remember the third of the three agencies he said he’d dismantle if he won the office. Even though he once called President Trump a “cancer on conservatism,” Perry had no qualms about becoming Trump’s Department of Energy chief. The job put him in charge of America’s energy production and nuclear arsenal, a responsibility he didn’t know the job required until he started it. During his stint as Energy Department chief, he told reporters about his boss, “As the world understands better how Donald Trump negotiates, there may not be as much angst. Or there might be; I just made my point there.”

That’s actually kinda zen if you think about it — but not too much. That’s not surprising: We followed his presidential campaign, and if anyone knows the sound of one hand clapping, it’s him.

6. Dana Loesch
Whenever a horrific mass shooting happened, the NRA’s now-former spokeswoman and liquid beets pusher Dana Loesch was usually one of the first people on camera. The peak of NRATV’s viewership came in the wake of bizarre viral ads such as Loesch’s infamous “clenched fist of truth” PSA, which was clearly intended to smash the nose of progressivism, punch the kidneys of snowflake liberals and rise defiantly against the coastal elites.

7. U.S. Rep. Lauren Boebert
The representative from Colorado’s 3rd District emerged as a political force seemingly from out of nowhere. She owned the famed Shooters Grill in Colorado, a restaurant where the staff works while being strapped for action. Despite dodging questions about her bio, she rose to prominence in her party as a right-leaning pro-gun crusader at rallies and on social media. In March, Boebert posted one of her many “Biden’s coming for your guns” announcements that never came to be. This one stood out because she boasted of putting “all my guns upstairs. Biden can never get to them now!”

Get it? Because he’s old. Like, really old. Three whole years older than Donald Trump, in fact. Ancient.

8. Scott Walker
The former Minnesota governor and failed presidential hopeful created a steady stream of protesting over his “right to work” law, drafted in part by the invisible hand of his Koch Brothers partnership. Walker embarked on his failed presidential bid just a year before the courts would strike down his attempt to dismantle unions. Walker tried to crowbar his encounters with protestors as a qualification for his foreign policy agenda, saying that if he “can take on 100,000 protestors,” he could take on ISIS. Don’t giggle. He’s talking about Minnesota protesters. That’s a heavy mob.

9. U.S. Rep. Mo Brooks
Alabama Rep. Mo Brooks once appeared as a guest on Laura Ingraham’s radio show to talk about his triumphant “brave stand” against the “war on whites.” Brooks repeated the phrase any time reporters asked him about the radio appearance. Even Ingraham called Brooks’ characterization “a little out there.”

10. Matt Schlapp
The chairman of the American Conservative Union, the group that organizes outings such as CPAC, and his wife, Mercedes, were once called the “It couple” of the Trump presidency. He has more than 40 years of conservative political service, which started in 1967 as a lobbyist and regional director of former President George W. Bush’s 2000 campaign. Mercedes previously served as a communications consultant for the NRA. Schlapp talked to Politico earlier this year about the upcoming CPAC conference saying, “The idea that we’re going to come up with some kind of conservative platform at CPAC, it rings a little hollow.”

He said that. Not us.

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